How much are we made up of storybook culture? There is a sort of received wisdom that comes with society, and I wonder how much of it is influenced by stories. I thought about how when people decide to tell people things publicly, what they say often becomes simplified and sanitized so it can be easily told and understood. And as someone whose complicated but insisted not-romantic relationship was translated and assumed to be the wrong thing, this bothers me. Yes, I said things, and I certainly had some feelings, but they were different and I knew they were, and I tried explaining. Sometimes I felt like he was a close friend in spirit (because we did not talk very much) whom any romantic entanglements would ruin. Sometimes I felt like he was a younger child I was watching out for. And then I increasingly felt that our personalities were so conflicting and stubborn that no wonder we argued and stopped talking. But no one - not even him - wants to hear about this. It's just got to be simplified.
"I care about this person" becomes "She likes him." "I cannot physically sing well in front of people because of bullying and an unsympathetic teacher" becomes "She doesn't like to sing in front of people." "I was bothered by the blood and the realization that I can easily injure people I love" becomes "Oh, he just accidentally cut his best friend." Emotions get scarified for an easy-to-pass-along story that others easily understand. When someone asks why a couple broke up, they're looking for something that slots into a category that makes sense based on received wisdom. If the pair make the smart decision and keep it quiet, because no one else will really understand, then other people whisper and suspect even worse things, or the wrong things, or simplified things. Everyone wants to know and when everyone does know, they don't understand. There is no way to win. I find it as fascinating as it is frustrating.
And that is part of the reason I write things. I journal to keep track of my feelings and emotions. It's hard at times but I want to understand what makes us human. I have been very privileged to know people who have been different than cliched, storybook characters. I have been very privileged to have a relationship based on accepting each other and being open and figuring out how relationships really work. These are what writers need to write about. Not stories where characters are easily slotted into a "love interest" role often based upon physical appearances. Not stories where the dating just happens to begin by a perfectly coordinated kiss. Not stories where the girls are the only ones being insecure about their behaviors and appearances.
We need stories where characters fall in love by thinking hard about their feelings. When they see each other as not beautiful or handsome, but as who they really are, and it's the personality they fall in love with and becomes one with the physical side. We need stories in which couples openly discuss everything, and ask to make sure they are both okay with every little thing before they do it. We need flaws that are admired and discussed, and guys who are not "dreamy" or "cool" or overly confident. And we also need stories about relationships that are close but not romantic, and we need to call out society for questioning those. Romance is a cop-out. Relationships are based on something real, and they come in many forms.
My boyfriend and I have made "words have no meaning" a bit of an inside motto. We're both somewhat shy about compliments, and I never feel like words quite do justice. Putting things - especially feelings or impressions - into words seems to cheapen it. It's taking something abstract and cramming it into a definite shape. It's more limited. Similarly, the meanings of certain words are obstructed by the way culture has interpreted them. And then there are other things that don't have to be expressed in words, and sometimes one does not have to go through the effort to explain his or her feelings if others know and can tell.
And yet, we are writers. We take on this challenge. I keep a diary and also a more generic writing journal, and I know that my hastily written diary is clumsy and not very precise, whereas my writing journal - when I'm writing about something real - is more thoughtful and generic. This is because my writing journal is more universal; rather than telling what happened I show it through a letter written to someone who would never read it, or a metaphor or comparison. The writing, as a result, is much more powerful and easier for others to sympathize with. It's showing, not telling. And that's what writing is about: translating the world you know and what you want to say about it into something that others can understand, and entertain them to boot.
